Although I realize now that God’s Hand has been guiding my entire life, I am shortening my testimony to my recent transformation by Him.
A little framework about myself. I was raised in a Christian home. Both my mother and father, like so many, wished to bring up their children in the Faith. I was placed into a Lutheran School in Berlin in the early 1980′s and gave a statement of faith and was baptized when I was around 9 years old. After examining my teen years through my early thirty’s, I realize that I was the furthest thing from being a Christian.
During my college years I was a nightclub and rave DJ. I partied hard and drank heavily. I was a bartender as well and did freelance design on the side. During these times I yearned for more spiritual experiences in my life. I spoke to a few of my friends who were in the club scene. One suggested a film called “What the bleep do we know” and another friend (who just returned from studying in India) suggested yoga and some healthy meditation. What the Bleep sounded a bit on the corny side but yoga and meditation seemed to be the right direction, as I was already Vegan and I was into healthy living and fitness having shed over 150 lbs. I loved the stretching and clarity of mind voga brought the more I practiced them. I felt a direct connection with nature and the universe. After relocating to Seattle in 2006, not feeling completely fulfilled as a whole, I began practicing tantra as well. And for daily guidance I always read my horoscope from a few different places. This seemed to satisfy the spiritual aspect I felt life was missing.
While in Seattle I was bartending at a restaurant in Issaquah WA. One guy I worked with heard from a co-worker that I was Christian and invited me to the church he and his fiancee attended. I went with them on several occasions and we would have lunch afterwards to discuss the sermon. I was always pretty negative about whatever he had to say. Who was this guy to tell me how I should and shouldn’t live? Why is every sermon seem geared toward giving more to the church? Doesn’t he have enough giant flat screens here already? Why is this pastor yelling all the time? I had no Idea at the time this particular pastor was growing the church in one of the most un-churched cities in America. I stopped going and lost contact with those friends.
After a couple years of practicing yoga, tantra and regular meditation I felt I was reaching higher states of consciousness. At this point my dreams became troubled and nightmarish. I prided myself, in the past, of being able to control the dream state. However on occasion I would feel as if I were half awake and something would be holding me to either my bed or couch and I couldn’t move or speak. I had no control over myself and felt nothing but fear. When I would wake up, I would be drenched in sweat, heart pounding and completely disoriented. I dismissed these events and would chalk it up to having possibly drank too much alcohol. But then it would reoccur while I was sober, and during the middle of the day if I took an afternoon nap. I still dismissed the events. During one of these episodes I was awakened by a knock on the door one mid afternoon. Startled, I jumped up to answer it. A couple of Mormon gentlemen were standing there to tell me of the latter day saints. They said I looked sheet white and pale; they saw that I was sweating profusely and asked if I was alright. I said I would be ok and to come back in a bit. I started to black out as I shut the door but I fought it, got my wits together and drank some cold water. The two gentlemen came back five minutes later to check on me then they began to evangelize. I invited them to come back after such a pleasant conversation. I was curious as to what they believed. They came often and told me about how they believed prophets still exist to this day. They told me the history of their church, some of their doctrines, and brought me to a meeting place where they gathered. One afternoon they left a copy of the Book of Mormon to read over. We conversed as well about our lives and their mission trips and what that entails. Intrigued by their devotion to their faith I wanted to give the book they had left a read. Something inside me told me to read a Bible first but I couldn’t find it… must have misplaced it or left it in a box somewhere. They came back and asked if I had read some of their book so we could talk about it. I told them I hesitated since I hadn’t read anything out of the Bible in over a decade and felt I should go through it first before reading a book that is supposed to be added on to the Bible. They respected my decision and I rarely saw them after that. I began to feel the need to return to the church with the yelling pastor. I missed the lunches afterwards with my friend and his fiancee. They had been married a year now at this point. But for some reason he wasn’t returning any of my calls.
Then I had another series of unfortunate events. The bar I worked at closed down suddenly and I was forced to find another job. I was having dizzy spells and later found out from a doctor that I had an arachnoid cyst on my brain that was in contact with my skull. If I ever got hit in the head or it grew there was a possibility of it hemorrhaging and I would die. He said it could be operated on but the seepage from the cyst could hurt the spine and I would be in a wheelchair for life. But there was a possibility that I could live out the rest of my life with the cyst there. After telling the girl I was dating about it she left. After a three weeks I ended up getting a job bartending at a restaurant in Bellevue Washington. Still desiring to be more spiritual, I continued yoga, meditating and delved further into tantra. I was still having random nightmares like the ones mentioned previously.
One evening while taking a short break to have a smoke, one of my managers joined me and we spoke of our discontent with the government as we always did. The election Obama was later to win was coming up and we thought all the people following the election so closely were sheep. Obama supporters seemed brainwashed and zombie-like. Something wasn’t right about it. One night he asked me if I had ever heard of a film called Zeitgeist. He had brought it in for me to borrow since we agreed on a lot of things being wrong politically and monetarily. I gave it a watch. I quickly saw the guy who put this film together really doesn’t like Christianity. In the beginning of the documentary Peter Joseph makes the claim that Jesus Christ is a fictional character deriving from the ancient stories of Krishna, Buddha, Mithra, and Dionyssis to name a few. He claimed that ancient myths existed about dying and rising saviors prior to Christianity, I kept watching and the director raised questions about politics, the way the world is run and so on. A sequel to this film was readily avaliable on the web, so I watched it too. Part two claimed to have the answer to the problems of the world called the Venus Project, and demands abandonment of the Abrahamic faiths, political regimes, and currency. All this while waxing eloquent about us all being pure spirituality. I began to agree with Zeitgeist’s claims and solutions; but, something didn’t feel right. I watched them again, back to back in one afternoon so I could get a good grasp on what exactly was being presented in these films. What stuck out to me was the presentation of Jesus being fictional as well as being a teacher for the age of Pisces. How could the author of this film make the first statement about Jesus being fictional, then say he was real, but only a great teacher. Then finish the second film calling for the destruction of that particular faith. And why? I remembered in school when you write a paper you open and close presenting a problem and a solution; and the middle is used to prove and provide reasoning to back the argument. While I was going through these two documentaries, my friend who gave them to me called and told me to rent Bill Maher’s “Religulous.” I wrote my questions about Zeitgeist down to come back to later, rented Religulous and gave it a watch the same day. I had a laugh as Maher paraded around Christians making the followers look stupid and silly. Then Maher introduced the same philosophy of Jesus that Zeitgeist did. I ran it back and watched the segment again to make sure it was the same information. Yep… it sure is. Then this question came up… Why would such information about Jesus Christ pop up on a conspiracy video as well as a film that’s geared for a suburban audience. Then Maher also calls for an abandonment of the Abrahamic faiths. These are the same overall message presented for two markets… or two groups of people. This was the same campaign advertising we studied about in college. Peter Joseph and Bill Maher were selling the same product.
At that time I began searching the net for answers. Did Jesus Christ really exist? I found film called “A Case For Christ” by Lee Strobel. This guy looked like every other “brainwashed” Christian I knew growing up. And although the info he presented seemed sound, I wasn’t satisfied. I started looking for a Bible in the apartment, but couldn’t find it. The question lingered… What about Jesus? The nightmares continued and I didn’t know how to get them to stop. I would meditate to find my calm center the mornings after. I had to find out about this Jesus though. Then I found a video called “Zeitgeist Refuted” by Elliot Nesch and YouTube vids from others on the topic. His arguments for Christ’s existence and refutations of Peter Joseph’s claims were very extensive. Ok… So Jesus did exist at one point in history and these Zeitgeist guys were lying to me. I still wasn’t satisfied. I felt like I had two stacks of information from opposing groups who were merely arguing like lawyers in court. I kept searching though. Someone out there had to have some info that would convince me.
Then I had a series of unfortunate events. My car broke down, unable to afford to fix it I commuted by public transportation and taxis. My finances dwindled and I was living day to day on my tips and borrowed money from my parents. I began drinking heavy again as well to drown out what was going wrong in life. I still worried more about the cyst on my brain. Then one night while I was heading to the bus station on my way home from work, a guy at the walkway of the Bellevue Square mall asked if I had a little time to speak with him. I overheard the other gentleman he was with evangelizing to two others. “You’d be preaching to the choir,” I told him, “I’m a Christian as well.”
“Give me a little practice then,” he said.
“Sure,” I answered, “But you’ll just be wasting your time. I already know all this stuff. I grew up Christian.”
He then began going through a series of questions:
“Have you ever lied.”
“Yes. And that makes me a liar”
“Have you ever stolen anything?”
“Yes… and that makes me a thief.”
“Have you ever looked at a woman in lust?”
“Yes, and that makes me an adulterer.”
“Have you ever killed anyone?
“No… But, I know it is just as bad as being angry at someone.”
“Based on that,” he said, ” do you think you would go to heaven if you died today?”
“No.” I firmly stated, “I would go directly to Hell.”
“You do know all this stuff already… but do you live your life this way? The way God would have you to?”
I thought for a minute. “I have a much better plan for my life than God does. I am going to miss my bus. I have to run. Good luck.”
He must have thought I was crazy. I claimed to be a Christian… But I knew I’d go to hell if I died that day. As I’ve now read through a lot of the Bible I understand you can’t take salvation back. I did miss my bus that night and all I could think of was how that jerk kept me from getting to the bar and then home.
Things got worse financially after that and I longed to return to Colorado. Since I had no car to drive, it was impossible to get out and see my friends late at night. Public transit stopped running before 1am. It got really lonely never seeing anyone. I was extremely depressed as well. I started saving some cash… whatever I could. I was going to move back home to be closer to family. When I managed to scrounge enough together to move back, I packed up, rented a truck and headed home.
I moved back into my parents basement. I had very little money left, and no job. I started searching for one in any restaurant or bar I could find. An old DJ friend of mine, found out I was back in the springs and asked that I DJ with him at The Underground downtown. I agreed and also found a job at a Chili’s in town. During this time I met a girl. We quickly fell in love. But, the question kept lingering… “What about Jesus?” The things said in that film still got to me.
One afternoon I was cleaning out my fathers garage and and came across my old Bible given to me by my mother when I was young. I figured I would start reading from the beginning and opened it to Genesis. I was determined to read it front to back and figure out why the makers of those films hated Christianity so much. I couldn’t make heads or tails of the Old Testament so I turned to the New Testament since it is about Jesus Christ. As I read through Matthew and Mark, I also watched the Passion for a reference. I heard so many speak of how great a film it was. Although the film had struck a chord, what really hit me was everything Jesus said. Especially the truth about sin, how He was the only way to God and the nature of mankind’s heart. This went against my readings on yoga, tantra, and meditation, which claimed to be paths to become closer to God. I didn’t realize until later that the concept of god as found in those books was not the same as the God of the Bible. I kept reading the Bible to realize how wicked a person I really am. The words of Christ were so clear, made complete sense and felt truer than anything I had ever known. Then I began feeling convicted of everything I had done in my life. Even the things I had done that I felt were good deeds, I knew were out of a selfish nature. I felt even guiltier for harboring so much anger and animosity toward those people who I felt had wronged me. How could I even begin to ask for forgiveness if I don’t forgive others. I remember the day He saved me was like, when people have near death experiences they always say, “My life flashed before my eyes…” I knew I was dead in my sin and He died to bring life to the world. He paid the penalty I should have and He did absolutely nothing wrong. I also saw clear as day when and where His hand had been in my life to get me to this point. Where he had protected me and kept me out of trouble and even from dying. And, how He had removed His hand of protection at times to go through things that got me to this point of turning to Him. I felt extremely undeserving of that kind of mercy and love. I had to let it all go. All He was asking for as well was to repent and believe. And in streaming tears I did. I pleaded for His forgiveness, and Jesus truly is the Son of God. I thank him daily, which never seems like enough, for getting me here even though I had resisted for so long… even denied Him to the face of another Christian. I had a clearer picture of who God really is. Not the pantheist idea I thought He was. He is personal, active, and had been guiding my life all along. I knew everything I had done wrong was against Him directly and He paid my penalty.
I couldn’t put the Bible down after that. No matter where I turn to, it made complete sense. I quickly let my soon to be wife know I was saved and I wanted to share the Gospel with her. I found out that she had been saved a little prior to meeting me and she had been praying to meet a good, Christian man. When she met me she knew I was the one she says. Had to have been the Holy Spirit working… I was a drunk and still unbelieving. When I broke the news to my family I also found out how much they had been praying for my return to Christ. It’s strangely wonderful finding out how active God had been all along and continues to be. Next came a changed heart and a changed life. I’ll continue on with that story at another time.
